I had an absolutely rotten day today.  Not only did I only get to see Susie for maybe 3 hours, but I had just about the worst day I think I've ever had at work today.

Today, I worked from 4:30 to 12:00.  Otherwise called, 4:30 to close.  I showed up to find that I was not going to be in the kitchen, rather, doing dishes.  This was fine by me.  I haven't worked in about a week, so getting back into the swing of things on dishes was nice.  The first few hours of work went by without a hitch.  It was when I took my break did things start to take a turn for the worse.

I had a damned hard time falling asleep last night, so I was pretty tired today.  I was awake, and active, and alert at work until I sat down for my break.  Only then did I realize that...

a) I was tired.  Really tired...

and...

b) You cannot run a giant for a day on a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia Ice Cream and a few cookies.

Unfortunately, I still had another four and half hours at work, where I'm constantly on my feet and surrounded by delicious food that I'm not allowed to eat.  Oh, I should also mention I have about a dollar in my bank account, which isn't enough to get anything on the menu, even with the employee discount.

So...I get back to doing dishes, and that goes on for about an hour and a half.  A few of the other employees, who need to take smoke breaks every few hours ask me if I want to take a short breather outside with them.  Being slightly miserable already from hunger pangs, I jump at the opportunity.  They ask the manager Derrek for a break, they go outside.  I ask Derrek for a break, he says, "You should get started on your side-work now.  You've got a lot to do."  I point out that it's only 8:30 and there are three and a half hours for me to get my side-work finished.  He said, "I know.  You're gonna need every minute of it."  ..............fuck.  Back to work I go.

Anyone who knows me knows that I like things to be equal.  The division of labor for the poor soul unlucky enough to be the dishes person who is closing that night is anything but.  I had so much fucking work to do.  You know all the dishes a restaurant typically has???  I swear at least every single one of them passed through my hands twice, if not three times apiece.  You know all the floors a restaurant has???  I had to sweep them, then scrub them down with soapy water and a deck brush, then suck up all the shitty water with a shop vac that only kinda sorta not really works most of the time ever. 

The shop vac part took at least an hour by itself, which wasn't the sucky part.  There is a certain angle to the floor the worn vaccume attachment works the best at.  For someone my size, the only way I can achieve that angle is by hunching.  I thought my back was going to snap in two before I finished with those damn floors.  It still hurts.

But that's not the worst part.  The most disgusting thing, just about ever...happened at work.  There was a gentleman who had some business to take care of that could not wait until he got home, so he used our facilities.  And that bastard clogged the effing toilet!  It wouldn't be a big deal, but guess who's job it is to fix it?!  MINE!  The dishwashers!  Of course!  Makes PERFECT sense, doesn't it???  So, I get my trusty plunger, and luckily, the blockage went down without further ado. 

That's not the disgusting part.  While I was scrubbing the floors in the men's bathroom, which, also, is the dishwasher's job, I happened across a strange shaped tube, about 8 inches long, next to the toilet.  This is an odd thing to find in a bathroom, I think.  I wonder what it is!  I pick it up and inspect it, turn it this way and that, and handle the damn thing pretty well trying to make heads or tails of it.  Whatever...I throw it away, it's just weird trash.  I go to scrub behind the toilet, and notice a discarded long plastic wrapper, about the same size as the weird tube I just threw out.  I pick that up and read it.  A single use, disposable, men's catheter.  I touched..................a USED...FUCKING CATHETER.  FUCKING FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The haste I made my way to the nearest sink to scald the skin from my hands right off can only be described as legendary.  It probably looked like I apparated there.  I was so revolted, I almost felt physically sick.  They're not paying me enough there.

So after feeling like I had washed my hands enough times, I returned to my mindless and tedious work, and finished, only to find that I was the last person there aside from Derrek.  It was after 1 in the morning.  I apologized for keeping him there so long, then went home.  Not only did I close tonight, but I do it again tomorrow night, and then the next night too.  I was mad that I worked the three days prior to school starting, but now I'm pissed that I close, and probably will have a repeat of work tonight all other night, so I won't get to bed until 1:30 the fucking morning the day before school starts.  Dammit. 

I'm going to bed.

I talked to Susie this evening.  She's doing really well with the whole transition from the unit to being home.  She's had plenty kitty-therapy with the new kitten, Percy.  He's an adorable white kitty with a smudge of grey near his head.  I can't wait to see him!  She had a meeting with her case worker/manager/whatever he/she is called to discuss other treatment options outside the hospital.  She declined to take on another therapist at home because she has the Hershey Medical Center, and both her therapists.  She decided to use her case worker to set up another therapist or something of the sort back up here at the apartment for whenever she gets back.

She's not sure when she'll be back, but from what we talked about this evening, she might be coming back a little sooner than I expected, which I'm ecstatic about!  She said she might even be back towards the end of July!!!  That'd be awesome to get to spend the rest of the summer together before school starts up again. 

We both watched the all-day marathon of Scare Tactics on the Sci-Fi channel today without knowing the other was watching it, too.  Then later, while we were on the phone, we watched Ace of Cakes together, which was also really nice! 

Afterwards, I puttered around my room a little while longer, then my roommate, Lacey, came upstairs and said that her and Geoff (her boyfriend) along with some of the next-apartment-door people were getting together to watch Fern Gully.  I found out that Tim Curry, definitely one of my favorite actors, did the voice of Hexus, the evil smog/sludge monster.  I was pretty excited about that.

Tomorrow, I'll be hanging out with Tim!  We'll make another house for his cockroaches.  The one we made prior was too tall, and they kept getting out of their tank.  So we'll plan out an equally awesome as the first but shorter house for them.  I'm going to try and get some more firecrackers, too.  While I could care less for the fast-approaching national holiday, I do like the fact that I can set off all the firecrackers I want without getting the cops called on me.  And, Blake, my younger brother, will be here with me too, so that'll be fun!  He's good at coming up with bad ideas that are a lot of fun to do.  I'll be picking Blake up from his football camp here in Edinboro in a few days. 

I think that just about covers today.  To bed!

Sayounara!

-Bryan-

p.s. -

Dear The Media,

I am so sick about hearing about Michael Jackson!  Yeah...it sucks that he died, but shut the hell up about it already!  

Sincerely,

-Bryan-

Where could I possibly go with a title like this?  I'll get to that, don't you worry.

Anyway, I hadn't heard from Susie at all today, so I tried, but she didn't pick up.  I got a call a little while later from her though.  Her discharge and everything went just as well as it could have I guess.  She and her family are staying at a hotel tonight, then heading back home tomorrow.  She's being set up with a case worker, or something of the sort, and she'll be able to set up a few more support lines for herself back home.  I'm not sure if it'll be another therapist or two, or some sort of support group...but it'll be help, which is really nice to hear. 

Now...the title.  Geoff and Lacey convinced me to come out to the Copper Coin, a local bar in Edinboro, for some delicious cider beer or whatever.  It sounded good enough, and, for once, I kinda felt like getting out of the house.  Well...it sucked.  The entire thing.  The bar was wretched, and dirty, and full of.......people, which I'm never a fan of.  It comes from my claustrophobia in crowds, and my disdain for people in general.  There were a bunch of dunks, they played shitty country music with, of course included everyone's favorite, Cotton Eye Joe, The Devil Went Down to Georgia and other horrible songs of the sort.  Nickelback, too.  Uggh. 

But there was this guy there who took the cake as far as drunkenness goes.  Nick, was his name.  He had 5 pints, a few shots, and a countless amount of beers, he regailed to us as he swayed on the spot.  He wasn't annoying, perse, it was actually kind of entertaining watch this inebriated guy go on and on about anything and everything under the sun in his stupor.  Then.......he pulled a piece, or a pipe as others call it, from his pocket, lit it up, and took a drag just to see if there was any resin left over from the last time he lit up.  Nope!  That's alright, he's got another!  Yep...this guy was smashed, and looking to get high, but didn't have any more weed.  Just the kind of people I love spending time with.  I was more than relieved when we left that grungy, smokey, cramped bar. 

Also, the cider beer kind of reminded me of that smell you get right after you've thrown up.  I know, lovely, right?  I went to the bar to order an appletini, but the bartender (after smirking at my request), said he didn't have any martini glasses, but he could make one in a cup.  Sorry...but that doesn't fly with me.  I'm picky sometimes.

That's about all there is to report.  I'm going to bed, maybe.

Sayounara.

-Bryan-

As I previously mentioned, it's been a few days since last I updated my journal.  A bit has happened. 

I visited Susie yesterday (Saturday) and spent an amazing day with her!  It was so nice to hold her again, and kiss her, and hug her...I could keep going on, believe you me, but I'll spare the readers.  I've missed her more than I ever thought I could.  I think I already said that somewhere else...but I don't care!  It still holds true! 

I ended up getting to Pittsburgh an hour before I needed to be there, so I waited around a little until lunch time where Susie goes to the cafeteria with one of the staff and do what they call 'self select' where she gets to choose what she eats, but her food choices need to fulfill certain requirements as far as food pyramid stuff and calories are concerned. 

So we had lunch together, then we went back to the clinic where I gave her the comic I had drawn for her the night prior, which she liked a lot!  Then we sat down together and I drew out her daily goal, which was to have a good day with me visiting.  I drew us cuddled up on her bed taking a nap, which we soon got right to!  I felt that familiar sleepiness I always get when I'm snuggling up next to her that I've been so deprived of the last 3 weeks.  I could have slept right then and there.  However, I had to leave again because she had to go get a snack, so I waited outside the unit for a half hour or so until she was finished.

After that, we played cards, and did a word find, and talked a little while, then she had to go to dinner!  So I waited again for another hour.  Once we got back together, we hung out in the common area and tried to watch TV.  Unfortunately, everyone else's family/friends/whatevers were also there for visiting hours, so it was incredibly noisy!  We just kinda held hands and tried to tune the world out as best we could.  Stupid 8 o'clock came around and then I had to leave.  Hmph!

She'll be discharged tomorrow sometime.  Her family drove up today and stayed in a hotel so they can pick her up tomorrow and stuff, then she'll call me whenever she gets home.  She'll be participating in either a regular or intensive outpatient program at the Hershey Medical Center?  I think?  Then along with that, she'll have both of her therapists, so it's nice and relieving that she'll have help once she leaves inpatient facility.

Leaving the hospital, I got extremely turned around, took a few wrong turns, and ended up driving through the heart, the outskirts, and the ghetto of Pittsburgh for a half hour before I found my way home.  It ended up taking me an extra 40 minutes to drive to my mom's house. 

Today, I didn't do much.  I went to my grandparent's house for brunch with my mom and her boyfriend Dean.  Afterwards, we came back home for a little while, then I went back to mow my grandparent's yard.  From there, I hung around home working on my stupid Utah powerpoint presentation which feels to me like it'll never be finished, ate dinner, then went and hung out with my friend Nate for the evening where we played Final Fantasy 10, read comics we had drawn in highschool, and watched Deadliest Warrior, then I came home.

I have my dentist appointment tomorrow, then I have to figure out when I'll be heading back to my apartment.  I'm sure Juno will launch herself at me whenever I get back, her having no attention since I left on Saturday.  She's a good kitty to have around.  I just hope she's stayed out of the window!  Technically, we're not supposed to have her there...but Susie and I need a kitty in our lives! 

Alright...well I'm thinking about bed or something of the sort. 

Sayounara!

-Bryan-

Things have gone better for Susie.  She had an even worse day yesterday than the day before.  She's really scratched the hell out of her arms because she's so frustrated, anxious, depressed, and scared about leaving the treatment facility.  I feel so useless here at the apartment.  It really seems to me like I can't do anything from here except try and comfort her over the phone.  It's hard for me to hear how upset she is and not be able to hold her and kiss her and tell her it'll be alright.

I called her house yesterday and talked to her Mom after getting off the phone with Susie earlier that evening.  I was really worried about her after hearing that she was suicidal and everything.  I expressed to Susie's Mom about how worried I was about her, and that I thought too that her release date was way too early and if she were discharged, she'd end up back there relatively soon because she didn't get enough therapy while there the first time.

When I called Susie that night when I normally do, she was still having a pretty crappy day.  After we talked about that for a little while, we started taking about our future together and such which is always nice.  We both thought that because she too could be excited about whatever time brings our way, that her bouts of depression is stemming from the rather ironic and unfortunate side-effects of her anti-depressants.  I'm hoping that it will just be a matter of time for her body to adjust itself to her anti-depressants so she can get back to life.

In other news, I'm on a hunt for a breeder who could supply me with a Hercules Beetle.  I'm a huge fan of exotic types of pets, be it giant bugs or otherwise.  I'm having a real difficult time finding one though.  And by that, I mean...I haven't found a single one.  These Hercules Beetles are really popular pets in Japan and other eastern countries, but not here, it would seem.

I'll be heading home this coming Saturday for my dentist appointment on Monday.  It was a little sooner than I had originally planned, but my mom wanted to take me shopping, and it'll also give me a little more time to hang out with my brother, which is always fun. 

So I ended up staying up the night before last.  I needed desperately to reset my sleep schedule.  Yesterday was pretty miserable for me, having not gotten any sleep the night prior.  I ended up falling asleep around 6 in the evening, and waking up at 9:30 that night, for no reason at all.  I called Susie, talked for a little while, then went right back to sleep and woke up this morning at 9.  I'm going to try and get to bed at a somewhat more reasonable time tonight.

I'm going to go draw a comic for Susie before I see her tomorrow!

Sayounara!

-Bryan-

Hi again.  It has been a day today.  I talked to Susie again when I usually do.  She is freaking out over leaving the treatment facility.  I can understand why though.  I've been relentlessly searching the web for outpatient treatment facilities, or support groups, or anything that will help her once she's discharged around where we live.  Not much turned up.  I did have one find yesterday.  This place called Gateway to Recovery Inc.  It was in Erie, so I thought I'd give them a call.  Number not in service.  Well...damn. 

So I broadened my search to anyplace outside of Erie that was still within a reasonable driving distance and found the Cleveland Center for Eating Disorders.  It's only an hour and a half away.  Not too bad at all.  It'll be a little more difficult to make that journey when we're back in school, however.  I have a good feeling about this place. 

It was around midnight when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.  I just figured it was Lacey getting ready for bed or whatever.  Then my door opened, and in walks my friends Scott-Bob and Haley!  Just about the last two people I expected to walk into my room at midnight, but still a pleasant surprise nevertheless.  We ended up going next door and watching Treasure Planet!  That is definitely one of my top-five-all-time-favorite-movies-ever!  Love it!  Afterwards, we piled into Scott's car and drove Haley home.  I came along for the ride because Scott had no idea how to get out of Erie once he had dropped Haley off, and I've gotten pretty good at finding my way around the city, so I was the navigator.

Now...I'm off to bed.

Sayounara!

-Bryan-

I finally figured out how to change that little smiley face things that goes along with whatever mood you choose to add to the end of the end of entries.  I was thinking either something with moustaches, cats, or a combination of the two.  I couldn't find anything with moustaches, and Susie already had a kitty face for her LJ, so I didn't want to copy that.  I ended up settling on an anime-ish faced person thing.

It has a few different characters though for all the moods.  It's not a consistant model for each mood.  Really, the only difference is the hair color for each.  There is a red, a black, a bonde, a white, and a light brown haired character.  They each kinda look like...

Red Haired - Makie from Negima

Blonde Haired - Either Naru from Love Hina when she dresses like a nerd if she had blonde hair, or Misa Amane from Death Note if she wore glasses.

White Haired - Near from Death Note

Black Haired - As much as I hate to say, it looks like Sasuke from Naturo...now if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw up for even mentioning Naruto.

Light Brown - This one is a bit of a stretch in either direction.  I couldn't find any good matches, but it came down to either Kitsune (technically Mitsune) from Love Hina, or either Sokka or Zuko from Naruto with significantly lighter hair.  I don't know.

Ok...that's all.  Sorry for wasting your time with this pointless post.

Sayounara!

-Bryan-

p.s. - I'm not really jealous, I just liked the face that went along with it.

So! A few events have transpired since last I posted.  I actually got a call from Susie this afternoon!  I usually call her between 9 and 10 at night, so when she called me this afternoon, I thought something was up.  It turns out that when she was admitted 2 weeks ago, the predicted release date for her was the 29th of June.  And...it looks like they're keeping that date!  She'll be getting out way before I even thought she would!  They said that if she continues to eat 100% of her meals, which she's been really good about, she'll get her feeding tube out in 2 days from now. 

They started doing a type of exposure therapy with getting rid of her 'thin' clothing and whatnot, which Susie had a bit of a hard time with...because that's basically all she has.  She'll have to go through a few more transitions that'll be difficult for her like staying away from her binge foods, avoiding triggering sites on the internet...things like that.  I know she can do it though. 

One of the things that worries me is it really seems like she hasn't been there long enough to get the amount of treatment that would be required for someone with that intense of a case of anorexia.  Don't get me wrong...I miss her so much, and I want nothing more than to have her come home and we can pick life back up where we left off, but at the same time, she is where she needs to be to get the help she needs, and I want for her to be absolutely sure that she is ready to leave the place.  Because, regardless of what everyone at the clinic might say/think, it really comes down to whether or not she feels she is ready.  The last thing anyone wants is for her to be prematurely discharged from the unit, only to have her back there in another week(s)/month.  Sure, patients who were there might end up going back, and that's not a bad thing at all...but at the same time, I just wonder, what if they had stayed there a little longer?  Would it have benefited them to stay a little longer instead of leaving when they could?  What if they were like...right there on the edge of making some sort of personal discovery that would have really helped them later down the road? 

I don't know.  I'm torn about her situation.  I find I haven't had the motivation to do just about anything since she's been there.  I really really really miss her.  So, of course I want her to get back here as soon as she can, but that's just me being selfish, I feel.  On the other hand, I know that she needs help more so than I need her, which is really saying something!  I just don't want her help to be cut short though.

I need to go.  I feel like I'm rambling, and I'm anxious too for some weird reason.

Sayounara.

-Bryan-

Hi everyone!  Today has been a bit of a day of rest.  I meant to wake up at 11...which I did!  But then I wanted to sleep for another 5 minutes, and ended waking up again a quarter after 1.  It was a nice sleep, but now I won't be tired for quite some time.  Alright...enough about me.

I talked to Susie a little while ago.  She seemed to be having a not so great day.  She's getting sick of all the food they're (the staff people) having her eat.  She constantly has problems with the food like indigestion, bloating...etc. etc. without going into too much detail.  It's really making her physically uncomfortable, which isn't doing anything to help her problems with eating in the first place.  She regularly gets pills to help with the indigestion and whatnot, but they don't do much for her. 

She's also been making devious plans to sign herself out and not eat once she finally gets home, but I'm sure that's a combination of her eating disorder and depression rearing their ugly heads.  She just needs to take things one day at a time and realize that she'll have good and bad days, which she does.  She just can't get the bad ones get to her.  Which is a lot easier said than done, I know. 

I talked to my mom today for the first time in about a month.  She got really mad at me when I forgot to send the extra pair of shoes she bought for my trip to Utah back three times in a row.  Understandable, I know.  The third time really wasn't my fault...though, technically, it was.  The night that I drove back to the apartment from my house to go to Susie's was the same night she OD'd on all her meds and was in the hospital, so it's understandable that sending remembering to bring the shoes along with me to send back at a later point in time was just about the last thing on my mind.  All I could focus on was getting to Lock Haven to make sure Susie was alright.  So...I got a call from my grandma who was like, "You really should call your mom!  It's been a long time and I'm sure she misses you!"  I had been putting calling her off for a while because I was sure she was still really mad at me, so even the thought of calling he really made me anxious.  But...she wasn't, and I apologized profusely, and we moved on from there.  So...that's good.

Well...I'm going to play Red Alert 2 for a few hours, then try and sleep maybe.

Sayounara!

-Bryan-

Here is my conundrum.  It has reached that point in the night where I'm still awake, and I can either...

a) Just stay awake and reset my sleep cycle

or...

b)  Go to sleep, and repeat this whole cycle tomorrow night

I really don't like staying up all night with nothing to do.  Then again, I do like sleeping in.  Bahh....

Today has definitely had it's ups and downs.  I ended up cleaning the entire apartment today anticipating having a bunch of people over.  I ended up doing a lot of the things that Susie and I usually do...by myself.  Today was seriously the closest I've been to being depressed for quite a while.  I really felt the physical distance between her and I today more so than usual.  I really really really miss her.  It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet.  I'm pathetic.

So...I cleaned, moped, and was frustrated by the fact that Lacey, our other roommate, never cleans, and is a habitually messy person.  I don't mind cleaning up after myself or Susie, but when I feel like I'm a maid to the entire household is when I start getting irritated.  I mean, seriously...we're adults now!  It's time to start taking responsibility for your shit.  Ughhhh...  She says the same thing everytime Susie and I clean the apartment too.  She apologizes for it being so messy, but she never DOES anything to prevent messes from happening.  I really do think the intentionally leaves messes because she knows it will eventually be taken care of my someone other than her.  It just really pisses me off.

So I clean the place, and Matt comes over, followed shortly by Scott Bob.  Matt brought his XBox 360 and the new Ghost Busters game which we were going to play.  Well...as it turns out, it's easier to go right next door where Scott Bob is staying while he's in town, because there is a nicer flat screen, HD plasma TV.  We stayed at my apartment for maybe an hour at most before leaving.  So what the hell did I even bother cleaning for???  It actually wasn't for nothing though.  Susie asked me to clean the apartment before she got back from IP.  I was more than happy to, because I don't want her to come home to a messy apartment.  She doesn't need that kind of stress right when she gets out of IP.  However...that won't be for a month or longer.  That's plenty of time for Lacey to mess the apartment right back up, and I'll have to clean the damn thing all over again.  Dammit...

Matt and I drank tonight.  It was the first time for me in a while.  SInce Susie left for IP, really.  I'm a light-weight (haha...get it?) again.  I was already feeling the alcohol after 4 shots.  We ended up watching the movie, 23, which was really good.  Then, we started noticing the number 23 everywhere, whether it be just the number, or numbers that added up to, multiplied and added to, was the number reversed...whatever, EVERYWHERE.  Like, seriously!  It was weird!  Then Matt played his new game.  It was alright.  As much fun as I could have watching someone else play a videogame, I suppose.  Afterwards, I brought my external harddrive over, and we watched my favorite horror movie, Mirrors.  I ended up falling asleep for the last hour or so, then woke up as everyone was going to bed. 

Matt ended up going home, and I immediately went back to my apartment, and, instead of going to sleep, got on my computer...just to check my e-mail!  Which is always how it starts!  Then I have to check all the other sites I normally check.  Facebook, FML, Youtube, AOL...my LJ, then I though...hey!  I should post!  And that brings me to the here and now. 

I'm tired.  I think I'll go to bed.

Sayounara.

-Bryan-